Close
by massivelyattacked
Summary: A look at how the relationship between Alistair and Surana began to unravel.


**I've taken a bit of liberty with this one…I recognize that certain things happen at Fort Drakon if you do not take Morrigan's offer…but I had to use some artistic license for the story to go as planned. This is my first real story with Alistair…hmm…hope you all like it…**

**Disclaimer: You know it. I know it. I don't feel like I need to repeat the sad fact that I still own nothing of this wonderful world that we all write about obsessively…**

* * *

><p><em>I don't put a smile upon your face no more<br>I can't make your heart shine like it did before  
>You don't listen to my stories anymore<br>You can't comfort me the way you did before_

I can't seem to pinpoint the exact moment that it happened. I just know that something changed when we left Redcliffe. He had exited the Arl's office and his face was white as a ghost. He walked right past me…as if he didn't even see me. It had quickly become evident that something was discussed in that office that night. But I didn't know what it was until it was too late for me to do anything about it.

I miss the way he used to look at me from across the campfire, somehow intrigued by the fact that I was his absolute opposite in everything. I miss that silly way he used to bump into me intentionally, knocking me off of the path…and then winking at me as I scowled at him. He used to say that I could never get that angry face quite right, and loved to see my many attempts to stay mad at him over something trivial.

I miss him. I never used to worry about such things, but now…now that the Tower is a distant memory… I grew attached. I suppose I never should have. After all, when do things ever work out between an ex-templar and a mage? Or a human and an elf?

Or a future king…and someone like me…

_Was I too loud, was I too bad  
>Was I too open<br>Was I too high, was I too fast  
>Was I too close<em>

I once thought that it must have been something I did or said that made him turn from me like that. We shared so much…more than I had ever shared with anyone before. A person doesn't just walk away from that. It had to be something I did.

I asked myself again and again…what was said between him and the Arl? What news could the man have possibly broken? Finally, I had the courage to ask Alistair myself. The look on his face changed to something I couldn't place…one part pain…one part relief…one part uncertainty. When he opened his mouth to speak, the words didn't come.

I ran. I refused to allow myself to wait for the response – I didn't want to hear the words. Of all the loss I'd experienced in my life, I was sure that this would be the one to break me. He was going to tell me what I didn't want to hear…that I'd done something to change his mind about what was happening between us.

But he never did. Those words never came. Instead, he eventually sought me out…to give me my answer. He sat in front of me, presumably to force me to listen this time. Told me that if he were expected to take on leadership of Ferelden as the king, that he would have to do it alone. I was confused at the meaning…I always expected that this wouldn't last forever, but then again, I didn't think I'd live to see these days either. He must have sensed the confusion because he continued to speak, saying that he knew they'd never accept an elf, let alone a mage, to consort with the king.

I was stunned into silence. I knew this…of course I knew this. But hearing the words in his own voice…ripped my beating heart out of my chest and slammed it to the ground. I told him there was nothing more to be said. He was to be king, and we would be nothing. He refused to accept that…told me that he didn't even want to be king.

I told him that I didn't want to be an elf…or a mage…but there you had it…

He grabbed me…held me close…I could feel his shallow breathing a top my head. He wasn't about to let me go. But sometimes life gets in the way of one's own decisions…

* * *

><p><em>I don't feel your lips like the first kiss<br>I'd rather run away than sit to face the truth_

After everything I told her, she still made it known at the Landsmeet that I was the one who should be king. That I was the rightful heir to the throne. She denied Anora's claim, and fought with her words and with her body to give me the leadership of this country. She made me king.

Despite all my protests…

I never wanted it to end for us. This isn't how it was supposed to end. She never deserved to be treated the way these bloody nobles treat elves…and mages… She deserves to be a queen…my queen. She should be ruling by my side when this is all over. She has brought the whole of this country together to stand against the blight. She's good enough to die for this country, but not to live and continue to serve it at my side?

_Was I too proud, was I too hopeful  
>Was I too needing<br>Was I too crazy, was I too long  
>Was I too giving<em>

Perhaps I should have told her that I needed her. I never wanted to give up what we had, despite my duty. I would have kept her with me…not as my dirty little secret, but as my confidante and my love. The world would have known how I felt. I was tired of everyone telling me what I should do…what I could do… She was everything I needed and I wasn't ready to let that end. I needed to have her by my side. But at the end of it all, I didn't really have a choice.

As I stood on the top of Fort Drakon, we fought at each other's side. We knew it would mean one of our deaths…I never thought it would have meant hers. We both saw the beast falter…fall to the ground. Our eyes met, and I grabbed my blade, intending to reach it before her. What I didn't prepare myself for was the blast of cold she sent my way to prevent my advance. She slowed me down, looked directly into my eyes and ran towards the beast. In one fluid motion she grabbed a blade from the ground and jumped at the archdemon, soaring gracefully through the air. The blade struck the great beast, piercing deep into its neck. It cried out…a fearsome sound unlike one I had ever heard before. I broke free of her spell's bounds, and rushed to her side, but it was too late. She had already struck the killing blow. The beast's head dropped to the ground, and as it breathed its last, she collapsed to the ground as well.

I knelt down by her side, shaking…trying to be stronger than I knew I ever could be. She looked up at me smiling. I didn't want to forgive her for giving herself away so easily. I asked her then…how could she leave me like this…?

She told me that it didn't matter where I was…she would always be there with me…

Her eyes closed and she took her last breath…

And every day I live, I long for the night to come, so that I may sleep and she may keep her promise – coming to visit me in the Fade…night after night. My one love…my lovely mage…my beautiful elf…

_No matter how far, no matter how long  
>I will be there<em>

* * *

><p>Lyrics in italics from "Close" by Télépopmusik (2005).<p> 


End file.
